dear Lincoln and Carver,

Big step today. Today I made the decision to leave you with the hands of someone else other than your dad for a couple of days as I go join dad in DC. I wouldn’t normally do this, but it just so happens that President Obama will be giving the keynote address at the APIACS gala, and Hillary Clinton will be at the VIP reception. She may very well be the next President of the United States. And daddy will get to have a semi private meeting with the President! Isn’t that exciting?

I’m a little nervous about being away, but I’m sure everything will be alright. Before I left, I went to each of your rooms and you were both sound asleep. Watching the two of you sleep so peacefully actually calms me. I love you both so much.

Dear Lincoln and Carver,

It has been two months since I last wrote. I always have so much to say, but too busy to write it all down.

This past week both of you came down with the Hand, Foot, Mouth disease. This disease is the devil. It’s so painful to see the both of you with inside mouth blisters and unable to eat or drink.

Lincoln, you came down with it first because you got the virus from daycare. for 3 whole days it was just too difficult for you to eat so we made everything into a smoothie. I wasn’t too worried about you because you are fairly big and healthy. The only down side is that I introduced you to YouTube and Elmo. You love it. Now, whenever you see our cellphones you want to watch Elmo. I haven’t allowed you to watch any more and I’m going to try to keep it that way. Unless you get sick again…

Carver, you on the other hand, I was worried about. You’re still a small baby and if you don’t drink anything, not only will you get skinnier, you will also get dehydrated. That is what happened and I had to take you to the Dr. on Wednesday. You didn’t drink any milk for over 12 hours and only had two pee pee diapers. I was so worried. But, we found out that you would actually drink really ice cold milk. Everything had to be cold. When we figured that out, you were pretty much fine within 36 hours.

Both of you are starting to talk in your own way. Lincoln, you are trying to have conversations with us and the other day you were able to somewhat convey to me what you wanted, without grunting.

Carver, you are babbling a storm. It’s actually pretty neat to watch and hear you babble. I have a feeling you will be a talker.

Dear Carver,

You are three months and I can definitely say that you are more alert now. You follow our eyes and you smile and gurgle when we talk to you. You like to grab onto my finger and kick your tiny feet up in the air. You really like going out. I hope we can do more of that as you get older. Yesterday, I took you and Lincoln to the Aquarium. I think you enjoyed it. You didn’t cry the whole time we were there. Everybody was saying what a great baby you are. I’m hoping to go out with you and Lincoln more often now. I just need you to get a little bit bigger so that I am more comfortable having you in the Ergo carrier.

You also don’t like dirty diapers. Lincoln never really mind a dirty diaper. But you really don’t like a dirty diaper. I have to do a better job at changing your diapers more often.

Overall, you’re a great kid.. and SO DARN CUTE. you really are a cute kid. Your coos and gurgles are to die for. We love you to the moon and back.

Dear Lincoln,

You made me cry happy tears today. During bath time, you asked for one of those small towels that I use to wash you with. You took it and you washed yourself with it. This is the first time you took the initiative to wash yourself. You even washed you butt! This made me happy, but also a little sad. Soon, in the near future, you won’t need me to wash you anymore. This makes me sad because bath time is one of our bonding moments where I ask you if you like school and if you like your classmates. You actually respond to me during this time. You’re only 20 months, but I feel like your growing up so fast and becoming such an independent little boy. I’m slowly letting you do your own thing and it’s something I need to do, but it makes me wish you were a baby all over again. Sometimes, it’s a double edge sword. I want you to grow up, but I also want to mother you a little longer. 

I told daddy that you washed yourself and he was really happy for you. He was pretty shocked actually. 

Anyways, keep growing … But not to fast. 

Dear Lincoln and Carver,

When I was pregnant, I would read about what joy it is to watch your two children play together and how it makes all the chaos all worth it. Last week, for the first time, the two of you were “playing” together. Carver, you had your toes out in the open and Lincoln tried to play with your toes with his feet. You watched and your tried to also touch his feet and mimic it. It was an awesome sight. So awesome, I cried. You’re also the only person that Lincoln will kiss multiple times without us asking. I know you two will play well together. When Lincoln is around, you always seem to search for him and look at him in a way that you don’t do with me or daddy. You seem to already look up to him in a certain way.

Lincoln, I know you’re feeling all types of emotions right now. I know you really, really like your didi. But I know you also feel some type of jealousy. But you just don’t know how to react or respond to it. Sometimes, you want to smash him with your body. And I also know that you like your alone time before you go to bed with only us (mommy and daddy). I’m going to try to give that to you, because it’s only fair. You’re still a baby and you still need that individual attention.

My challenge is to juggle the both of you to make sure both of you get the solid social and emotional well being that both of you deserve. My promise to both of you is that I will try my darndest to make that happen.

Dear Lincoln and Carver (mostly Lincoln),

As you enter into your toddler stage, you’re becoming more difficult. Really, really difficult. I’m going to have to start disciplining you. I don’t like it, and I don’t even know if I’m doing it right.

The other day, Lincoln, you wanted to bring in a toy into the bathtub. Frankly, I’m tired of toys breaking or coming apart when it goes into the water, so I said No. You cried and cried. Your bath took twice as long. But you see… I need to do this because I need to teach you limits. I’ll need to teach you patience, self control, coping mechanisms, and the fact that you can’t always get your way. I need to teach you now so that Carver doesn’t learn any bad habits from you.

I was at Trader Joes the other day and it was raining really hard. Two men in their early twenties walked up to me and asked for money. They said they were homeless. They actually had really nice stuff on them. Nice backpack and pretty nice clothes and shoes. The thing is, they were probably homeless. But they were also probably on heroin. It become quite an epidemic. Anyways, where I’m going with this is. Part of being a parent is to provide you teachable moments and to discipline because I want the two of you to become productive members of society. Dad and I are walking on uncharted waters, but hopefully everything will work out in the end.

Dear Carver,

Today was a tough day for us. We weren’t quite in sync with the breast feeding. You were frustrated that Everytime it was time to nurse you would choke because of the fast let down. 

People around me are telling me to just pump the milk out and feed you. That was never my intention. I don’t want to just pump and I won’t. Breastfeeding together is our bonding moment. I did it with Lincoln, and I’m going to do it with you. 

I know you’re frustrated and angry. I can tell from your cries. But I will learn your cues and we will conquer this together. Also, I’m here to stay. You have one mom. That’s me. You basically have no choice but to nurse from me.

Dear Lincoln and Carver,

There’s this book that I can’t seem to finish without choking up and crying. It’s called Love You Forever. 

Lincoln, you have about a 2 minute attention span so we never really get past a few pages. However, today you had me reading more than a few pages. I read up to the point where the little boy grew and he grew and he grew… Until he moved out of the house. And I started crying. You see, it’s a mixed bag of emotions. On one hand, I’m sad that eventually the both of you will grow up and leave. But on the other hand,I want the two of you to grow up, become productive members of society, and have families of your own. See, one can’t happen without the other. Truly a mixed bag of emotions.

Carver, I was able to sing the song to you today as you were becoming a little bit fussy. And you actually stopped and looked at me. I feel like in that brief moment, we finally bonded as mother and son. I hope as the days go by and you become bigger and more cognizant of your surroundings we will have more of these moments. 

I love you both.

Dear Lincoln and Carver,

You’re both not old enough to ever remember this time, but I’m having a difficult time trying to spend good quality time with the both of you. Hence, I have mommy guilt. I don’t feel like I’m fulfilling any of your needs. Lincoln, I know you want to play and want us to spend more quality time with you.  Daddy is spending more quality time with you, and so now all you want is Daddy. Which is fine for me, but I know it can be physically draining, and so I feel bad for daddy.

Carver, I know I have to hold you more and pay more attention to your needs (like change your diaper more often). But it’s just so difficult separating my time. I just hope it gets easier in the long run. I’m also having a “too much breastmilk” problem. This is a problem because you’re not getting any of the fatty stuff, you’re just getting the watery stuff. That’s why I think you’re not growing as fast. Hopefully, with a little adjustment this weekend, we can work this out. It’s going to be really painful, but part of the mommy guilt is that you have really bad gas, and I think it’s because I have too much milk.

Anyways, I hope next year this time we can all go to Knotts Merry Farm and Disneyland as a family and I can see the awe and wonder in both of your eyes. Then, it will make this all worth it.

Dear Lincoln and Carver,

The two of you was finally able to meet. Carver was born on November 16th at 3:32am via C-Section. 6 pounds and 6 ounces, 18 inches.

Right off the bat, Lincoln, you were so nice to Carver. You gave him little head hugs and was very happy to see him. The only thing is that you’re sick so we’re trying to limit the amount of time you have with him. I think this makes you very sad and confused because I’m always off feeding him.

There was a lot that I wanted to write to you, Lincoln, before Carver came into the world. However, I just want to let you know I’m not sure how you feel, confused? Sad? But I promise things will get better and I will be able to spend more time with you. We’ll do more Thursday outings and once you get better, you can play with your brother. One thing I hope is that you keep your happy and playful demeanor. You’ve been acting up a little recently, I’m not sure if it’s because you are sick or because you’re entering your “terrible twos” a bit early, or if it’s because of your new brother. I just hope this is for a short time.

Carver, you are the most perfect baby. I really couldn’t have asked for more. In just a few days, you are much more alert and sleeping at longer intervals. You love skin to skin with daddy. In fact, I think we created a bad habit in which you really like it when someone is right next to you, skin to skin. You like looking around. But most importantly, you are starting to like your sleep. I hope this continues for awhile.

I can’t wait to see the two of you interact with each other. Play with each other and love each other.