Dear Lincoln and Carver,

Wow. It has been awhile.Well, tomorrow I officially start work. I’m a bit torn about this. On one hand, I’m excited to go back because I can now see there is some type of clear path towards advancement. On the other hand, boy oh boy do I hate not being with the two of you. I am going to constantly, constantly worry about everything and anything. I guess there isn’t a win-win situation.

Carver, you are now climbing up and down the stairs. Be careful. Don’t fall. I’m really scared Lincoln is going to pull you down one day when we aren’t watching. You’re now in music class. you seem to enjoy it. You’re almost one.

Lincoln, you’re growing so fast and talking a lot too. You’re also memorizing the books that we are reading to you and you’re reading along with us now. You’re super obsessed with dinosaurs. I now know a lot about dinosaurs, more than I ever would want to know.

Only time will tell if the decision I make is correct. The conundrum is that I only get one chance at this. I guess that’s what life is about.

Love, Mom

Dear Lincoln,

For the past two weeks you are learning about something that neither I nor your dad can teach you. Playground Politics. The teacher told me that you’re starting to play with the other kids and talking to them more. I have a feeling they don’t understand half of what you’re saying. My only hope is that they are nice to you.

The other day we had a picnic at the park. You had so much fun and you also tried to play with the bigger kids at the park. It was so cute, you would go up to them and babble and they would just ignore you. You weren’t sad, you were just your own happy go lucky self. I hope you don’t lose that about you. There were two sisters that actually yelled at you and told you to STOP! Go away!. I really wanted to go up to them and tell them to be nice. But then again, playground politics is something you have to learn and figure out by yourself – I can’t be there to mediate all your fights. You seem to do well. The sisters were carrying sand into a car. So, in order to be on their good side, you helped them. That’s my boy. You have a good EQ.

This morning you didn’t want to go to school. You said you were afraid of this little girl at your school. She actually started around the same time you did. When I asked the teacher she laughed. She said it’s probably because she’s kind of bossy towards you and she likes to come up to you from behind and growl. You might not like it right now, but it’s kind of cute. The teacher did say that you are playing with the other kids and running around with them. I love that you are finally playing with them and joining them and having fun. I know you’re having fun, too. For the past two weeks you have been in a much better mood and there have been almost zero time outs. You’ve also learned how to play by yourself and you’re talking a lot more (and it’s not as incoherent!). I attribute all of this from playing on the playground and talking to all your friends at school.

You’ve been asking to go to the park a lot these days. The weather hasn’t been very compromising. But I promise, once it cools down, we will go to the park and have picnics there and play with the dogs and have your practice your playground politics.

Rock on and play hard, my son.

Dear Lincoln and Carver,

When it comes to sleep, the two of you are like night and day. Oil and water. Peanut butter and jelly. It is so easy to put Lincoln down. So easy. Carver, on the other hand, not so much.

If there is one thing that I have failed to do as a mother, it is teaching Carver how to properly go to sleep. For the last two night in a row in order to get Carver to sleep I have had to feed him a food pouch, in the bedroom, in the dark. Carver, honey, if you have this habit of eating a substantial meal before you go to sleep at night. I’m sorry. It was part of your night time routine.

Just now, I fed you a Cheesy Veggie pouch. You seem to like it. You also want to hold the pouch yourself and suck the food out. That is totally fine by me, however, sometimes you miss and pureed food goes everywhere… like just now. At least you’re asleep.

Dear Lincoln and Carver,

I have started to potty train Lincoln. I’m thinking, there has to be a better way. Potty training involves putting you boys on a small potty that is basically a bucket. After you do your business, not only do I have to clean you up, I have to clean up the bucket! It smells. It never smells like rainbows and butterflies. The smell of newborn baby poop has been long gone. It is now full on toddler poop. I’ve tried putting you on the toilet over a smaller toilet contraption so that the poop goes directly into the toilet. You don’t seem to respond well to it. You have done really well with the bucket. I’m thinking, there has to be a better way. Today, I realized that there is no better way.

Daddy’s Aunt Amy passed away this morning. I really like her. She was always very welcoming and whenever there was a big family gathering, it seemed as if all the family was always gathered at her place and she always made it fun.  She had a stroke about four years ago. It was really sudden and surprising for me because she seemed so healthy and vivacious. She was dancing up a storm at our wedding and having the time of her life. It seemed as if she knew how to have fun and enjoy life. She had a certain air of confidence about her. I think its because she was the oldest of all the siblings so she had to exude an “I have my shit together,” personality.

We went to go visit her and in her small bedroom I saw a potty. It’s basically the same one you are using, accept it doesn’t sit on the floor and it’s just slightly bigger. Because of her stroke, she has to pee and poop in that bucket and someone has to clean it up. When I saw the potty I thought how life really is full circle. You start off as a baby using the potty and you end your life, also using the potty.

Uncle Leo, her husband, talked about how sometimes if she won’t poop, he would have to massage the poop out. I’ve done the same thing for both of you.  Life is fragile and remember that it goes full circle.

Love, Mom.

Dear Carver,

Today you learned how to wave “hello” and “goodbye”. You went to your first playdate at Griffith Observatory. I think you had fun. What you really liked doing was waving “hi” to all the hikers that were going up the hill. I thought it was a fluke and you were just waving your arms, however, tonight, when I said “wave goodbye to Lincoln and daddy,” you actually waved! Amazing!

I don’t think Lincoln waved until he was a little past one years old. You’re also starting to stand while holding onto something. It is amazing how you are growing up so fast.

I really enjoyed going out with just you today. I’m going to try to make it a once a week type of thing until I go to work full time.

Loves and Kisses,

Mom.

Dear Lincoln and Carver,

I signed the both of you up for swim lessons this summer. It’s quite tiring because I have to go in with you, but I also wish I signed Lincoln up sooner. It seems as if Carver is doing a lot better at swimming than Lincoln is. I think it’s because Carver is smaller and younger and doesn’t really have the “fear” aspect in him yet. Lincoln seems to get bored after 15 minutes.

Carver is also having constipation problems. His bowel movements are really hard. I think I’m going to try the Windi tomorrow and see how that goes. Poor baby. It’s so hard for him to poop and eat.

Lincoln is doing a lot better at preschool. I keep on asking him if he likes school, he always shakes his head no, but I think he’ll like it soon enough.

Dear Lincoln and Carver,

I hope I don’t jinx myself for saying this, but I think we are getting a good bedtime routine for the two of you. Bedtime is going to be family time where we will be in our beds, listen to music, brush our teeth, and read books. We were originally doing this with Lincoln only, but I think Carver is old enough to join with us now. I’m very excited about this. I’ve been looking forward to this day for quite awhile. This will hopefully alleviate some of the mom guilt that happens at night when Carver is put to bed without a night time story. But now, both will have stories together before you both go off to sleep in your bedrooms.

Carver, you had your first swimming class today.  You loved it! The teacher wanted me to dunk your head into the water. My head was racing. I was thinking about so many things. I just can’t. I told the teacher, “I can’t, I just can’t do it” I was almost going to ask her, “have you heard of secondary drowning?” But I didn’t. Another mother relieved my fears when she said she felt the same way the first time her sons took lessons. The trick was to blow on your face and then dunk right away. I did that, and it worked!  You were holding your breath from when I blew on your face and then I dunked you. You didn’t know what hit you. You can also officially say that you have done something BEFORE your brother. Lincoln has never dunked his whole body in the water, yet. Lincoln will also be taking swim lessons. We shall see if he loves it as much as you do.

=) I love you both.

Dear Lincoln and Carver,

Today was Lincoln’s first day at a new preschool. I think it was emotional for the both of us. It’s a new environment, new teachers, and new language. I really hope you will soon like it. Before we left, I hugged you really tight and promised that I will pick you up soon. But I’m realizing, that we can’t make such a promise.

We woke up on Sunday and found out that a lone gunman went into a club and just shot up the whole place. This was an act of terrorism and hate. This was the largest massacre in US history. Life is fragile and fleeting.

I’m hoping that we have sound gun control policies soon. Till then, I will continue to worry about the two of you. And when you get older, the best sound advice I can give you is this: Nothing good happens after 10pm at night.

Dear Lincoln,

Happy Birthday, my love. You are now two years old. You are so incredibly active and learning so much everyday, I can barely keep up. My favorite time with you is right before we put you to bed. You get dressed into your PJs, brush your teeth, and we sing songs and act silly together. Its one of these times that I hold near and dear because I know that it won’t last very long.

Today was also your last day at the Montesorri Day Care. Ms. Anita, Ms. Carla, and Ms. Dora were like your 2nd mothers. They were with you the majority of the time from 9 months to 2 years. Did you know that I did not have to trim your finger or toe nails at all during these times? I got a little teary eyed when they gave you one last hug and kiss. You actually gave it back to them as if you knew. On Monday, you will be entering a different preschool with different teachers and also a different language. We decided to enroll you into a Japanese immersion preschool. It will either be the best decision I’ve ever made, or the worst decision I’ve ever made. Only time will tell. I’m a little nervous since you won’t understand anything when I drop you off. But I know that you are more resilient than I think you are.

Your temper tantrums are getting a little bit more serious. But you’re starting to understand the difference between right and wrong and you know when you have done wrong. Time outs are working pretty well with you so far. I think part of your tantrums is that I just can’t understand you just yet. But I think we’re getting their. You’re starting to have a command of basic mandarin and english. Soon, you’ll have a command of basic Japanese, too.

I love you. Keep being you. I will fight fiercely for you to keep your innocence for another year. AND…. I promise we will go to Disneyland before you turn three.

Dear Lincoln and Carver,

This week, both of you had some pretty big milestones. Carver, you are now starting on solids. No longer will you be drinking only milk. Your first food was avocado mixed with breastmilk. I think you liked it. Next step will be carrots. I do hope you like solids. I really hope to fatten you up a bit. we also had your 6 month appointment with the doctor today and he said that you need to sleep 11-12 hours uninterrupted. This means we are going to cut off your 1am and 3 am feedings. This means you are to CIO. Tonight, you didn’t do so well going to sleep. I actually had to lie down with you and then carry you back to the crib when you fell asleep. I feel like you just needed a little cuddling and love and so I did just that. We spooned until you fell asleep.

Lincoln, today daycare started transitioning you to the 2-year old class. They also let you play in the big kid playground. I sat in the office looking to see how you played with the big kids. I know it’s a little overwhelming with so many of the big kids running around, but soon you will be one of those boys running and throwing balls. Right now, you’re like a little doe walking around with your hands behind your back. I’m so excited for you, but yet, I’m also so sad that you’re growing up so fast. My little baby is no longer a baby.