Dear Lincoln,

You made me cry happy tears today. During bath time, you asked for one of those small towels that I use to wash you with. You took it and you washed yourself with it. This is the first time you took the initiative to wash yourself. You even washed you butt! This made me happy, but also a little sad. Soon, in the near future, you won’t need me to wash you anymore. This makes me sad because bath time is one of our bonding moments where I ask you if you like school and if you like your classmates. You actually respond to me during this time. You’re only 20 months, but I feel like your growing up so fast and becoming such an independent little boy. I’m slowly letting you do your own thing and it’s something I need to do, but it makes me wish you were a baby all over again. Sometimes, it’s a double edge sword. I want you to grow up, but I also want to mother you a little longer. 

I told daddy that you washed yourself and he was really happy for you. He was pretty shocked actually. 

Anyways, keep growing … But not to fast. 

Dear Lincoln and Carver,

When I was pregnant, I would read about what joy it is to watch your two children play together and how it makes all the chaos all worth it. Last week, for the first time, the two of you were “playing” together. Carver, you had your toes out in the open and Lincoln tried to play with your toes with his feet. You watched and your tried to also touch his feet and mimic it. It was an awesome sight. So awesome, I cried. You’re also the only person that Lincoln will kiss multiple times without us asking. I know you two will play well together. When Lincoln is around, you always seem to search for him and look at him in a way that you don’t do with me or daddy. You seem to already look up to him in a certain way.

Lincoln, I know you’re feeling all types of emotions right now. I know you really, really like your didi. But I know you also feel some type of jealousy. But you just don’t know how to react or respond to it. Sometimes, you want to smash him with your body. And I also know that you like your alone time before you go to bed with only us (mommy and daddy). I’m going to try to give that to you, because it’s only fair. You’re still a baby and you still need that individual attention.

My challenge is to juggle the both of you to make sure both of you get the solid social and emotional well being that both of you deserve. My promise to both of you is that I will try my darndest to make that happen.

Dear Lincoln and Carver (mostly Lincoln),

As you enter into your toddler stage, you’re becoming more difficult. Really, really difficult. I’m going to have to start disciplining you. I don’t like it, and I don’t even know if I’m doing it right.

The other day, Lincoln, you wanted to bring in a toy into the bathtub. Frankly, I’m tired of toys breaking or coming apart when it goes into the water, so I said No. You cried and cried. Your bath took twice as long. But you see… I need to do this because I need to teach you limits. I’ll need to teach you patience, self control, coping mechanisms, and the fact that you can’t always get your way. I need to teach you now so that Carver doesn’t learn any bad habits from you.

I was at Trader Joes the other day and it was raining really hard. Two men in their early twenties walked up to me and asked for money. They said they were homeless. They actually had really nice stuff on them. Nice backpack and pretty nice clothes and shoes. The thing is, they were probably homeless. But they were also probably on heroin. It become quite an epidemic. Anyways, where I’m going with this is. Part of being a parent is to provide you teachable moments and to discipline because I want the two of you to become productive members of society. Dad and I are walking on uncharted waters, but hopefully everything will work out in the end.

Dear Carver,

Today was a tough day for us. We weren’t quite in sync with the breast feeding. You were frustrated that Everytime it was time to nurse you would choke because of the fast let down. 

People around me are telling me to just pump the milk out and feed you. That was never my intention. I don’t want to just pump and I won’t. Breastfeeding together is our bonding moment. I did it with Lincoln, and I’m going to do it with you. 

I know you’re frustrated and angry. I can tell from your cries. But I will learn your cues and we will conquer this together. Also, I’m here to stay. You have one mom. That’s me. You basically have no choice but to nurse from me.