Dear Lincoln and Carver,

You’re both not old enough to ever remember this time, but I’m having a difficult time trying to spend good quality time with the both of you. Hence, I have mommy guilt. I don’t feel like I’m fulfilling any of your needs. Lincoln, I know you want to play and want us to spend more quality time with you.  Daddy is spending more quality time with you, and so now all you want is Daddy. Which is fine for me, but I know it can be physically draining, and so I feel bad for daddy.

Carver, I know I have to hold you more and pay more attention to your needs (like change your diaper more often). But it’s just so difficult separating my time. I just hope it gets easier in the long run. I’m also having a “too much breastmilk” problem. This is a problem because you’re not getting any of the fatty stuff, you’re just getting the watery stuff. That’s why I think you’re not growing as fast. Hopefully, with a little adjustment this weekend, we can work this out. It’s going to be really painful, but part of the mommy guilt is that you have really bad gas, and I think it’s because I have too much milk.

Anyways, I hope next year this time we can all go to Knotts Merry Farm and Disneyland as a family and I can see the awe and wonder in both of your eyes. Then, it will make this all worth it.

Dear Lincoln and Carver,

The two of you was finally able to meet. Carver was born on November 16th at 3:32am via C-Section. 6 pounds and 6 ounces, 18 inches.

Right off the bat, Lincoln, you were so nice to Carver. You gave him little head hugs and was very happy to see him. The only thing is that you’re sick so we’re trying to limit the amount of time you have with him. I think this makes you very sad and confused because I’m always off feeding him.

There was a lot that I wanted to write to you, Lincoln, before Carver came into the world. However, I just want to let you know I’m not sure how you feel, confused? Sad? But I promise things will get better and I will be able to spend more time with you. We’ll do more Thursday outings and once you get better, you can play with your brother. One thing I hope is that you keep your happy and playful demeanor. You’ve been acting up a little recently, I’m not sure if it’s because you are sick or because you’re entering your “terrible twos” a bit early, or if it’s because of your new brother. I just hope this is for a short time.

Carver, you are the most perfect baby. I really couldn’t have asked for more. In just a few days, you are much more alert and sleeping at longer intervals. You love skin to skin with daddy. In fact, I think we created a bad habit in which you really like it when someone is right next to you, skin to skin. You like looking around. But most importantly, you are starting to like your sleep. I hope this continues for awhile.

I can’t wait to see the two of you interact with each other. Play with each other and love each other.